Contemplation

Life has been extreme at the moment, personally and professionally. I’ve come to realise through both lenses that the people around you matter, your experiences of the past matter, but mostly, self-awareness matters.

The start of this year didn’t just bring another global upheaval to us all, but a massive shift in my life. And yes, both are challenging, but that doesn’t mean it has to be dressed in negativity. Bad things happen, good things happen, normal things happen, but at the end of the day, how we decide to show up, react and respond is what determines the direction you take.

I just finished a book, fiction, no need in sharing the exact title, but what occurred to me is that phenomenal writers draw from phenomenal experiences - no matter whether fiction or non-fiction. The author, Taylor Jenkins Reid, is a story on her own, her background, her life and the success she has created through the multiple books that are not just meaningful reads, but certainly good enough for series and movies to be based on.

This quote from the book has stuck with me. It wasn’t an incredibly profound moment in the book, but I love the simplicity of the line. It certainly sits with where I am in life at the moment. I have worked out that what really matters in life is to appreciate the moments you’ve been given, to realise the mistakes you’ve made, to know that you have a choice as to how to react and respond to the world and everyone around you but importantly, you cannot control the reaction and response from the world and everyone around you.

I spoke to a group this last week about my journey and leadership. Towards the end of our session a question was put to me: “Do we need agility?” My answer was a very serious “yes”. If you aren’t agile, if you can’t adjust to what is out of your control, if you can’t find resilience in the challenges or happiness in the moments, you lose out on the very essence of this one life we get.

Another question posed to me was: “How has your husband, as a partner, impacted your journey? Would you have become what you have become without him?” Again, my answer was very serious, but this time, “no”. After two decades of love, 14 years of marriage, three kids (not easy) and two careers (definitely not easy) we’ve done the best we could as novices, as all adults are. Our kids will always be loved and supported, we have built careers and reputations that will carry us well into our older years and we take our health - physically and mentally - more seriously than ever.

I have no doubt that a single mother can have a satisfying, rewarding and successful journey, and I have met so many who have done exactly this (just come listen to my First Thursday sessions) however, I don’t know what that’s like.

What I do know is that my husband has always been the biggest champion of me.

In my early days of establishing my brand as an economist, my imposter syndrome stopped me from attending an awards ceremony that was effectively, a beauty pageant, in that all the sell-side analysts (covering stocks and asset classes) get ‘rated’ according to research, corporate access, charm and interaction.

I was terrified. The broker firm I had joined wanted me to get rated and it was the first time I was up for the awards. I know I exude confidence, but imposter syndrome got the better of me and I chose to not only skip it, but avoid it completely. I ensured I was on a flight to Cape Town at the exact moment of the awards ceremony. I couldn’t bear to even be aware that it was occurring. I landed and will never forget the voicemail I had on my phone from my husband; his voice was shaking, he was so proud, telling me I was in third place.

I also remember during the Covid pandemic, locked up and all, and receiving the news that I had made MD (Managing Director) at Citi - which if you know the investment banking world, is a big big big deal. There he was, standing outside the bedroom door (where I had set up my work station for the day) with a bottle of champagne because he knew that it would happen.

He always believed in me more than I believed in myself. Not only professionally, but personally too. When our eldest suffered anxiety and couldn’t go to school, he answered my texts and calls not knowing what to do, reminding me I was a great mom.

We all need someone like that, whether it be your partner, family member, friend or acquaintance.

And that’s why this newsletter is titled ‘Contemplation’ because the ongoing geopolitical conflict, my ability to draw on past economic cycles and experiences, and my knowledge that I have more self-awareness, has helped me think carefully about the months and years that are still to come.

The photo above was snapped by one of my closest friend when we were on the beach in KZN, early in the morning, with coffee and the kids. They were searching for underwater ocean treasures in the rock pools and I climbed up to the rocks to look out at the ocean, a wild force unto it’s own, just like the things we can’t control, and have to accept.

You have to contemplate that there will be many things out of your control in your life. No matter how much you hold on to them, sometimes they stay out of reach. But I believe that if you keep trying, you’ll get closer. And you’ll be proud you tried.

I kept trying to create a life I was proud of, but I thought it needed to be more perfect than it needed to be. Now I’m extremely proud because of how imperfect it has been.